A KETTLE OF VULTURES
DO I LOOK LIKE AN ATM?
Sabrina Lamb writes like the love child of Terry McMillan and Chris Rock. With wild plot twists and page-turning style, A Kettle Of Vultures is sassy, wise and funny as hell.
A funny book about race, love and Cuban coffee -- among many other things.
The multi-talented Sabrina Lamb has put her comic talent to excellent use in this barbed first novel. A Kettle of Vultures is a pungent, fast-paced tale that follows the escapades of protagonist Iris Chapman as she journeys from Atlanta to ...her Florida hometown and onto New York City seeking to come to terms with herself and her family. With stinging satire, Ms. Lamb unveils a host of eccentric characters that include a grandmother whose down-home observations often echo a Moms Mabley routine and a jackleg preacher reminiscent of Reverend Ike. Filled with ironic insights and wicked caricatures, this is a tightly written lampoon, a feel-good story, that will leave you laughing. Finally, it’s great entertainment with a keen, satirical edge.
I love this book!!! Sabrina Lamb puts you in the center of the action with her descriptive writing style. As a former record industry publicist, it was like re-living the record business through these pages. The personal struggles of Iris - the consummate professional who has to keep it all together to save her own image are on display here proving life is NOT glitz all of the time. If you have any family at all down South, Iris' family is a mirror image of yours...forcing you to face your upbringing in spite of what you have become.
Witty and deliciously humorous, Sabrina Lamb interweaves a bon-a-fide satirical piece of literary fiction with Kettle of Vultures that’s sure to be a classic for generations to come.
Sabrina Lamb’s a rock star, as she confidently takes chick-lit to a whole other level with her superb writing style. Her latest novel is fittingly clever, funny and charming.
Sabrina has always been...one step ahead! Catch up to her, if you can! She and her writing is a winner, in every sense of the word!
CHAPTER ONE – EXCERPT – All rights reserved @ 2010; Simon and Schuster. Any reproduction must received written consemt from publisher.
Hauling off and whacking your grandmother is downright wrong, felonious, and can be regretful; but my left hand twitched another opinion in response to her whining interrogation, forty-five seconds into my homecoming.
I wonder what it’s like to do felony prison time. The wrinkle-faced lifers would crane to get a glimpse of the new hard-ass as I swaggered, bopping along the corridor of the musty cellblock in handcuffs and returning the glares with my mock intimidating stare. What you in for, light-skin? they would ask, as I drag on a nauseating high tar cigarette. Hacking under the smoke, I would sneer, “Not dat iz any of yo biznesses, but dat old lady had it comin’ . . . and if you hussies don’t want what she got, you’ll get off me, unless you know where I can get real dick.” And there it was. My jailhouse reputation would be sealed. I would be dubbed “dat batty bitch.” Anyone who thought they were tough by calling career criminals “hussies” had to be batty.
I had already been assaulted today, first by the ninety-eight-degree heat and hundred percent humidity. And mosquitoes waited at the baggage terminal, holding placards with my name on them. By the time I entered the taxi, sweat was oozing down my pant legs. It felt as though a cow’s tongue was lying on my face.
So I was in no mood for “Why you got to go around looking like Bob Marley fa?” Ms. Chickie ordered or asked, I forgot which, as I stretched my neck back out the front doorway to see if the pimpled-faced middle eastern cab driver could facilitate a rescue and return me to the airport. Though it was a sun-splashed, cloudless noon, it would have been prudent to instruct him to wait until I waved a white handkerchief, indicating it was safe to leave me with my eccentric family. Instead he was off chasing another fare, dreaming of less humidity and an upcoming Noori concert.
The wrinkles in my forehead mirrored the wrestling match my thoughts were experiencing, wondering how this high-cheek boned, olive-skinned octogenarian, wearing her beloved pink pearls, knee-high stockings, and nothing else under a flowered housedress, simultaneously blasting three Miami gospel radio stations and a television blathering The Wendy Williams Show, could have somehow found disdain for, or had intermingled with, Bob Marley.
I didn’t have to be here. More attractive options were available, like undergoing a colonoscopy, listening to Indian sitar music, or perhaps remaining in Atlanta to join Tammy in returning, like breeding salmon, to Cisco’s—the headquarters of Atlanta’s decadent, elitist ritualistic nightlife—to spawn conflict, or attract love, however fleeting.
But destiny has placed me here.
In Opa Locka, Florida. A suburb of Cuba.nd about two and a half blocks away from the sun. Located in the northwest section of Miami, the name of this middle-class, African-American enclave was derived from the Seminole Indian word opa-tisha-wocka-locka. Ms. Chickie was notorious for amusing herself by telling white developers who relentlessly knocked on her door begging to purchase the house, that it meant “I’m snatching your land”
In Opa Locka, polite social interaction, foreign in many cities, still remains. Everyone waves when they pass your house, whether they know you or not. Though my little friends and I preferred giving passersby our middle finger when they waved, no one seemed to mind. My family has resided here for fifty years, segregated from but yet a part of Miami, successfully staving off rising crime. But to Ms. Chickie’s despair, citizens of Opa Locka citizens have not been able to escape the encroachment of a city dominated by Cuban culture and gentrification. She complained often, “Everybody speaks Spanish! If the English language is good enough for Jesus Christ, it’s good enough for the Cubans!” Carmen Esperanza Beiro, my best friend from high school, cackled when I would tell her about Ms. Chickie’s irreverence, over a late-night plate of chicken empanadas and media noche at her family’s restaurant. Change in Opa Locka occurs in tiny ebbs; perhaps the family on the corner has added a patio or paved their driveway. Or somebody’s sister joined the military or had a sex change. Or as my taxi turned the corner passing the pastel colored homes, onto my block, there was Ms. Janette, still hunched over with her ass up in the air, like a Red Kangaroo, picking up non-existent debris, under the guise of beautifying the neighborhood. In reality, her ass was poised in the air, so that she could catch an out of control penis from one of the sanitation workers who happened by on their truck at the same time each day. Ms. Janette graciously batted her fake eyelashes at their catcalls, and would constantly invite in them for breakfast. “Big men, like yew, must be hungry for some cheese and eggs, pancakes, sausage and grits…come on in and let me Ms. Janette feed your bellies.
Ms. Chickie instructed Lee Artist to never let my father outside in the yard, without being chaperoned when Ms. Janette was performing her morning bend haunch. “That’s how she stole Sally’s drunkard husband. And he hasn’t been back home since.”
Sabrina’s Television Reel
“Keepin’ It Real” – A Docucomedy
WORLD OF MONEY
Sabrina Lamb is the Founding Chief Executive Officer of the WorldofMoney.org, which has been an 11 year leading provider of immersive classroom financial education for 4,000 youth in the Tri-State New York City area. The organization was selected as a Promise Place by America’s Promise Alliance and by AOL Impact as one of ten top social good organizations in America. Under her leadership, since 2005, she has spearheaded the annual Youth Financial Education Training Institute, attracting financial experts adept in teaching youth disciplined saving, stocks/bonds, real estate investment, insurance, wealth mindsets, philanthropy, et al. Sabrina has frequently presided over the NASDAQ Opening/Closing ceremonies and testified before the House Sub-Committee Financial Services on Capitol Hill. Sabrina is a NAACP Image Awards nominee in Outstanding Literary Work- Instructional for her book “Do I Look Like An ATM? A Parent’s Guide To Raising Financially Educated African- American Children” and the satirical “A Kettle Of Vultures…Left Beak Marks On MyForehead”.
Sabrina helmed the creation of the World of Money Youth Financial Education mobile app; 63 videos taught by youth for their peers in English, Spanish, French and Portuguese. Sabrina was the Grand Marshal for the 2016 African-American Heritage Day Parade which has honored her with the Meritorious Leadership Award. She has received commendations from Mayor Bill De Blasio, Manhattan Borough President Gale Brewer, New York City Comptroller Scott Stringer, Congressmembers: Meeks and Rangel; Westchester County Board of Legislators. Sabrina is one of the 2013 NBC News/The Grio 100, a Huffington Post contributor and one of Essence Magazine’s Shining Moments of 2013: “50 Women Who Made Us Proud”. She was designated as New York 1 television’s “New Yorker of the Week” and is a member of Who’s Who in Black New York. Sabrina is the recipient of the 2011 Rainbow Push/Wall Street Project Honors, the BDPA Small Business Innovator Award, New York State Z-Hope Award, and National Black MBA New York Metro Chapter Entrepreneur of the Year Award, and the “2014 Citizen of the Year Award” from the Alpha Upsilon Chapter of Omega Psi Phi Fraternity, Inc. She was named 16thon the list of 50 Top Black Women in Entertainment in Black Noir magazine. She has received the “Economic Security Award” at the Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, Incorporated 83rdNorth Atlantic Regional Conference. Sabrina is a member of Master Your Card’s African-American Advisory Board.
Sabrina was a WBLS-FM correspondent at the 2008, 2009, 2012 and 2013 Democratic National Conventions and Inaugurations. She also co-hosted “The Morning Show” on 1600 WWRL in New York City, interviewing cultural figures to government officials. Sabrina also co-hosted and contributed to the highly-rated “Open Line,” “Week In Review” and “Wake-Up Club” on WRKS-FM. Sabrina, a former stand-up comedian, starred in Lifetime Television’s Girl’s Night Out, where she wove her comedic skills around serious issues. Other credits include CNBC-TV, Fox Business, News One Now with Roland Martin, NBC’s Saturday Night Live and BET’s Comicview. Sabrina has written cover stories for Essence, Heart and Soul and Black Elegance. Sabrina was featured on CNN’s Nancy Grace, Fox Business Network, Australian Television, WNBC-TV, WCBS-TV, Tom Joyner Morning Show, Russ Parr Morning Show, BET’s “Meet The Faith” and “Tonight with Ed Gordon”, HOT 97’s Street Soldiers, HLN’s Show Biz Tonight, among others. Sabrina also hosted/produced “Laughing, Lying and Signifying: The History of Black Comedy” on WBAI-FM. Sabrina was a political satirist on Phil Donahue-owned America’s Talking Network.
Sabrina is also a solo performance artist. Most notably, her sold out show “The Trials of Marissa Alexander” debuted Off-Broadway at the United Solo Festival and at the Cherry Lane Theater. Sabrina is a graduate of Lincoln University and has attended St. John’s University School of Law. Sabrina is active in the New York Road Runner’s Club, completing three New York City Marathons.